Marauders in Hospital
by Admiral Albia
Summary: Set less than a year before Harry's birth. Lily's still at work (as a doctor)... but can she cope when the Marauders all end up in her ward? LAST CHAPTER UPLOADED! PG-13 for swearing.
1. This HAS to be a prank...

Part One Marauders in Hospital   
By Admiral Albia 

A/n; Well, read the title. And the summary. Basically, the Marauders are going to be in hospital for a while... and they're driving Doctor Lily wild! 

Marauders' (and friends) Job List   
I thought I'd better include this so I don't have to stop and explain how these accidents happened...   
James; Broomstick Tester   
Sirius; Actor   
Remus; DADA teacher at the Werewolves' Magic Institute (which he went back to after Harry's third year, OK?)   
Peter; Something involving dangerous potions (give me time, give me time...)   
Lily; Doctor   
Minerva; Transfiguration teacher (duh!)   
Harry; Giving Lily morning sickness and growing a placenta and umbilical cord, at this stage. 

Disclaimer; I do not own Harry Potter etc, they belong to J.K. Rowling. (sarcastic voice; "Can you _believe_ that?") Don't mind the portrait, he's just bored... 

Marauders in Hospital   
"James, I'm going!"   
"Uh-huh..." Lily rolled her eyes and poked her head round the kitchen door.   
"I _said_ I'm going."   
"Big, dangerous monster, no legs, 8 letters, B-blank-blank-I-blank-I-blank-blank-K?"   
"Basilisk, perhaps?"   
"Ah! Thanks. What were you saying?"   
"I am going. To work. Bye."   
"Oh, bye!" Lily groaned and Disapparated, leaving her husband engrossed in the crossword. After four years, some of the magic seemed to have gone out of the relationship, but he was still James...   
She Apparated into the staffroom at St Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries and almost immediately received an owl; 

_Death Eaters 1 - Cruciatus 15 mins_

Fifteen minutes, then. Having Time-turners at work certainly helped to arrange your schedule, even if it did cause confusion when you were speaking to the same person from one hour ahead, one hour behind and right now. That was why the Turners used Invisibility Cloaks, of course.   
The door burst open and a young man rushed in. "Turners say Lily's pregnant, could she check now so's I can tell `em please?" _A/n; Think about it. He tells her so that she can tell them, so they can tell him to tell her... OK, don't think about it._>   
_I'm pregnant?_ Bemused, Lily took out her wand and pointed it at her eyes. _"Transparoculus!"_ She looked into her stomach. _I'm pregnant!_ "_Opaqueoculus!_ I'm pregnant!" _A/n; OK, OK, so she wouldn't _technically_ be able to see Harry yet. Stop nitpicking..._>   
"Congratulations! Gotta go and tell the Turners now!" And the man ran out again.   
Lily buried herself in the paperwork for a quarter of an hour, then hurried down to Death Eaters 1 Ward. Voldemort's supporters were doing so much damage that five wards had been set aside specifically for the injuries they caused, though Lily only worked in Ward 1. And Broomsticks 3, and Potions 2, and various other wards... the wizarding world, like the muggle one, was currently a little short on doctors.   
The new patient was already there, surrounded by trainees - all of whom were panicking. He was screaming, but there was no surprise there.   
"Hasn't anyone taken... don't any of you _know _how to end a spell, you morons? _Finite Incantum!_" The man stopped screaming abruptly, and as his face unscrewed Lily got her second shock of the day...   
"Sirius?" He grinned weakly.   
"Hi, Lily. Just thought I'd pop round for a visit..."   
_Typical Sirius,_ she thought wryly. "How long was that curse on you? Go away, you lot! Go and find out how to end a curse, for God's sakes!"   
He considered this as she helped him sit up. "About half an hour, I think. It's hard to tell... can I get up?"   
"No."   
"Aw, why not?"   
"Sirius, you've just been subjected to an Unforgiveable Curse for half an hour! Do I really have to explain why not? No, you're staying right here for a week."   
"A week! I can't stay a week, the show starts on Wednesday!"   
"Then you'll have to postpone it, won't you?"   
The rest of the morning passed relatively quickly. Lily found Sirius chatting up at least two nurses, and made a mental note to tell his girlfriend, Minerva. Then she went into Potions 2 and found Peter, absolutely covered in large, painful blue boils.   
"Oh, Peter! _Now _what have you done?"   
"Tripped," he mumbled through his swollen lips.   
"Right... have you considered making a Klutz-No-More Potion? Because you seem to end up here about once a month... this is a new recipe, isn't it?" He nodded.   
"Typical."   
No matter what they tried, Lily and her team could not get the boils off Peter. Somebody's three-year-old daughter eventually `discovered` that poking a wand into them made them explode, and they used this method around his eyes, ears, nose and mouth before he could speak clearly enough to tell them that it _hurt_.   
"Looks like we'll just have to do a few more each day, then. Try and get some rest, Peter..." Lily turned to go out of the ward and almost collided with an owl headed for her. 

_Broomsticks 3 RIGHT NOW_   
_Your husband_

_"What?"_ She almost ran into Broomsticks 3. "James! Are you OK?" He smiled   
"Well, apart from a fractured spine and a few busted ribs, yeah."   
"What happened?"   
"Bludger." Lily groaned. `Broomstick tester` was really just another name for `Quidditch player who uses possibly unsafe brooms` - the theory was that, since nobody in their right minds would do such a dangerous job, it had to be made more attractive somehow... and most of the broomstick companies made Quidditch balls anyway. "You know, I wish someone'd invent a cushioning spell good enough that you can sit astride on the things. They're bloody dangerous when you're sidesaddle, you can just slip over."   
"Like you did, you mean?" A small part of Lily's brain that had last been used at school was clamouring for attention.   
"Yep."   
_A/n; Right, here's what happened. A Bludger came at James from the side - into his face because he was riding sidesaddle - and he leant back (to the other side) to avoid it. He leant back too far and because he was sidesaddle he slipped right over. All his weight was now under the broom, which went doooown... with him still underneath it. Ouchies! Fortunately, by Harry's time somebody's had the bright idea of strengthening the cushioning spell..._>   
The small part of Lily's brain got attention. "Right, when's Remus coming in?"   
"What?"   
"I've got Sirius in Death Eaters, Peter in Potions and you in Broomsticks. When's Remus coming in? This has to be a prank."   
"Sirius is in Death Eaters?"   
"Yeah, he got hit with Cruciatus, God knows how. Now, when's Remus coming in?"   
"He's not, as far as I know. Where's Sirius' ward?"   
"Lie down! You'll only fracture that spine worse, and I can't fix it as it is, not all at once. I'll bring him to you once I've sorted those ribs. Now..." 

As it turned out, Lily couldn't bring Sirius to James because as soon as she'd finished his ribs the fourth Marauder arrived.   
"I knew this was a prank," she muttered. "OK, Remus, what happened and is it full moon tonight? And answer the second question first."   
"No; class attack; you knew what was a prank?"   
_Damn!_ Werewolf hearing was too good. "Well, I now have every single Marauder in my wards. What happened in class?"   
"The entire lot of them decided to hex me at once, just to get out. God, it's not like I wouldn't've just _let_ them go... some of them used silver, though."   
"In a class full of werewolves? Bit tricky."   
"Exactly. The student body got the hospital wing, I get to come here. Why do you have all of us here?" She told him.   
"Sirius is in..."   
"Yeah, yeah... maybe I should just find a spare room and label it `Marauders' Ward`..."   
"You do that."   
"Oh, Remus, I was joking, I didn't mean..."   
But it was an idea Lily thought more and more about as she was forced to hunt down Sirius (finally finding him in Broomsticks 3), Peter (Death Eaters 1), James (Death Eaters 1), Sirius (Broomsticks 3), Remus (Potions 2), James (Potions 2) and, finally, Sirius (Broomsticks 3). After frog-marching Sirius back to his bed for the third time, she decided to ask... 

/\/\/\

"And NO WANDERING AROUND!" Lily shut the door behind her.   
"Hm... I think she got the message," Sirius said with a grin. "The bit about not wandering around, though..."   
"Marauding, from French meaning _rogue - _going about in search of plunder or prey. Who does she think we are?" Remus agreed.   
"You two go. Peter can't walk and I've got a fractured spine..." James stared wistfully at the ceiling.   
"Since when did that stop us? Remember in third year when the Slytherins beat the hell out of us? We still managed to wander, didn't we?"   
"Yeah, but... hey! Yeah! OK, gang, let's get plotting!" 

A/n; Hope you like the story. I'll update every four reviews, so if you like it you know where to go;   
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	2. Night 1

Night 1 Marauders in Hospital   
By Admiral Albia 

A/n; Well, read the title. And the summary. Basically, the Marauders are going to be in hospital for a while... and they're driving Doctor Lily wild! Any ideas for their pranks (seven nights, seven pranks), please [send `em in][1]!   
Incidentally, Lily has every right to use `the guilt factor` here; she's a doctor, she knows what she's talking about. Besides, it helps the rest of the story...   
Disclaimer; I do not own Harry Potter etc, they belong to J.K. Rowling. (sarcastic voice; "Well I never!") Don't mind the portrait, he's just bored... 

Night 1   
"All set?"   
"Where's the Cloak, James?"   
"Side drawer..."   
"Ah! Got it. Now, this is a delicate operation... _Wingardium leviosa!_"   
"_Wingardium leviosa!_"   
"Ow! That hurt!"   
"Mind the back! The back!"   
"My arm! Get off my arm, you imbecile!"   
"Stop prodding my boils!"   
Under the Cloak, Sirius rolled his eyes. Same old, same old... except that _this_ time James and Peter were floating about four feet above the ground. Eventually, everyone stopped banging into each other's injuries...   
"Shall we go, then?"   
"Let's get marauding!"   
"Woo-hoo!" 

/\/\/\

The main difference between a hospital and a boarding school is that a school doesn't work on the night shift, as the Marauders quickly found out. Fortunately, everyone just assumed they were a particularly large group of Turners wandering around.   
"Now... where shall we go?"   
"Not Death Eaters, those folks deserve a break."   
"Hmm..."   
"What?"   
"Why not go to Death Eaters and pull the gags on the _staff?_"   
"Yeah! But not Lily, she'll guess."   
"Hasn't she gone home?"   
"How should I know?"   
And so it came about that the night staff of Death Eaters 1 suffered an hour of Dungbombs, fake wands, mysterious jets of water and the occasional ghostly touch, usually after they found themselves floating. The patients enjoyed it, since it was never aimed at them, but by the time the Marauders had finished the staff were wet, smelly and behind with the paperwork.   
"Oh, my, I haven't laughed like that in ages! That nurse's face when she got soaked!" The invisible crowd dissolved into laughter again.   
"How much longer do we have?"   
"Uh... half an hour before the next one comes in to check on us... time to do a Face-Ache, I reckon."   
A `Face-Ache`, lovingly named after the Marauders' Transfiguration teacher Professor `Face-Ache` Dakin, was a single really big trick, of the sort which had been pulled on Face-Ache at least once a week. They had become famous around the school, not only because they never failed to work, but also because of the small slip of paper that followed Professor Dakin around screaming `Sign here please!` until, glowering, he did so.   
"No receipts, though. Lily _will_ guess if she hears _that_ report."   
"True... OK, we have the equipment for a 327, 35 or 2490 here, but I've got the rest of the Happy Little Sailor back in the room..."   
"Voting... 327?"   
"Aye."   
"Aye."   
"Aye!"   
"327 it is, then. Where's the staffroom?" 

/\/\/\

As it happened, Lily hadn't gone home because she didn't see that there was any point. She was currently heading down to the staffroom for a cup of tea, but when she got in there there was a suspiciously loud groan behind her. The door creaked, certainly, but it shouldn't groan like... she looked around, but saw nothing and only heard the patter of feet outside and the sounds of voices. Normal, everyday sounds. Sighing, she sat down...   
...and the chair legs collapsed outwards, sending her plummeting downwards. A loud raspberry and the unmistakeable smell of dung filled the room, as her tea went in her hair. Spluttering, Lily lifted the chair seat to find that the legs had been sawn halfway through, and there was a deflating whoopee cushion and the shattered remnants of a dungbomb under it.   
"Number 327," she muttered, clearing up the mess with her wand, "Right. _This means war._" 

/\/\/\

"Oh, shit, I thought she'd gone home!"   
"It was an honest mistake, James, anyone could've done it."   
"Yeah, and anyway, you've got a fractured spine, remember? You can't walk, so how can you be blamed for pulling a prank? You have the _perfect_ alibi, Prongs. It's me'n Sirius that'll be in trouble..." 

/\/\/\

"Where is she? She should've come in to yell by now."   
"Maybe she didn't sit down after all." 

/\/\/\

"OK, now I'm worried."   
*Zzzz*   
*snort*   
"Am I the only person still awake here?"   
*snort* *snore* "Oh, g't'sl'p, J'ms!" (Translation; Oh, go to sleep, James!) 

/\/\/\

"Hello? Are you four awake?"   
*snort*   
*snore*   
*ZZZzzzzz*   
*ZzzAowAowAowZzzzz*   
"No? Good..." 

/\/\/\

When the Marauders woke up in the morning, it was to discover that they'd turned a variety of colours; Sirius was pink, Peter was orange, Remus was a sickly bright green and James was a mixture of lime-green skin and bright orange hair. He also had a note on his pillow; 

> > > > _James,_   
_ I don't know whether you were personally involved in last night's escapade, but I do know that the bang I got last night when that chair fell in was more than enough to make me lose my baby. Do you actually _want_ a child?_
>>>> 
>>>> _Lily_

He stared at it, oblivious to the colour of his skin, while the others removed the spells from each other.   
"James? Can you do me please?" Sirius was standing over him. "Because while I like the colour, it doesn't go too well with my hair... are you all right?"   
"No." He handed the note to his friend, who read it.   
"Oh."   
"We've been trying for four years! Four years! Forget tonight, I'm staying in bed."   
"Is Lily pregnant, then?" Remus asked from where Peter was slowly turning him purple.   
"Only if she's extremely lucky," James said bitterly. 

A/n; Well, your choice. If you still like it and want more, follow the arrow after this note. I update every four reviews, remember. If you do 't like it, either don't follow the arrow or follow it and flame me - the fire extinguishger needs something to do =)   
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   [1]: mailto:admiralalbia@russell1044.plus.com



	3. Night 2

Night 2 Marauders in Hospital   
By Admiral Albia 

A/n; Well, read the title. And the summary. Basically, the Marauders are going to be in hospital for a while... and they're driving Doctor Lily wild! Any ideas for their pranks (seven nights, seven pranks), please [send `em in][1]!   
Disclaimer; I do not own Harry Potter etc, they belong to J.K. Rowling. (sarcastic voice; "_Really?_") Don't mind the portrait, he's just bored... 

Night 2   
"Come _on_, James!"   
"No. I'm staying right here, thanks."   
"Look, James." Sirius came over and sat on the bed. "What happened last night was nobody's fault, just rotten luck. We all thought Lily'd gone home, didn't we? And she hadn't told any of us about the baby, otherwise we wouldn't've let her sit down, would we? Besides, we're not going anywhere near the staffroom tonight."   
"We could still get her by accident."   
"Uh... James, Lily's the _last_ person you'd curse by accident," Remus pointed out, coming to stand behind Sirius. "The hair's too recogniseable. Look, how about if we completely skip her _wards_? Would that do you? Heck, we could even go down a floor, then there'd be no chance of running into Lily."   
"No." Sirius and Remus looked at each other. It was time for plan B.   
"Oh, well then," Sirius said with a sigh, "I suppose we'll never know if the Mega-Plan would've worked, then. Pity really, this is the second perfect place to do it... and we've got just enough time, too." He waited for this to sink in.   
"But, since you don't want to do it, we'll just have to give up," Remus added. "Which is a pity, after all that hard work we spent on it. Still..."   
"The Mega-Plan," James said slowly. They could almost _see_ his mind working.   
"Yeah, but if you don't want to then..."   
"The one with the... you know, and those... the appearance spells?"   
"That was the one," Sirius sighed wistfully. "You know, I spent _hours _looking those up before we discovered there wasn't going to be an end-of-year feast..."   
"We could do the Mega-Plan here."   
"Well, only with all of us. Three out of four won't do."   
"One problem..."   
"Yeah?"   
"Snape played a vital part, I seem to recall..."   
"If I get Snape in here, will you come?"   
"Of course!"   
"Right," Sirius said, and Disapparated. 

He re-Apparated a second later, looking embarassed. "Oops... mind if I borrow the Cloak?"   
"No, not at all. Same place as before."   
"Sirius, what _exactly_ are you going to do?" Sirius whispered in Remus' ear.   
"Just as long as that's all..."   
"Teacher," Sirius said before Disapparating again. Remus stuck his tongue out at the place where his friend had been a second before. 

/\/\/\

And thus it came that St Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries gained another patient by the name of Severus Snape, who had recently been gored by a unicorn, attacked by a Hippogriff, levitated mysteriously and then dropped and, of course, had his head shoved into his own Wart Potion. Sirius reappeared in the room just minutes before Lily popped her head round to check they were all still there, but he was laughing so much that they had to dig out an old joke book to explain away the snorts and giggles.   
"Snape? What about Snape? Oh, _that_ Snape. Really? Well, good luck to the Hippogriff, I say. Hey, Sirius, what did the big candle say to the little candle?"   
"Don't *snort* know!"   
"I'm going out tonight!" Sirius dissolved into grateful laughter.   
"Puh-lease, guys, that's the oldest joke in the book. Oh yes, and then his head was shoved in the wart potion - Sirius, stop   
laughing, it's not funny."   
"It *gasp* is!"   
"Warts, hmm? Suits him. You know, Lily, we _were_ trying to rest."   
"You had me fooled," Lily said, eyeing the chortling Sirius.   
"Well, we were _planning_ to try to rest. It's the same thing."   
"Only in your book, dear. Now, why don't you go to sleep?" And she snatched the joke book, put it neatly away and walked out, switching off the light.   
"So, that's either Magical Creatures, Magical Accidents or Potions... Sirius, what happens when you do this on stage?" Sirius wiped the tears from his eyes.   
"We go through it again and again until it's not funny any more. Oh, my..." 

/\/\/\

The `Mega-Plan` had been devised for the Marauders' final end-of-year feast, a tribute to the old saying `go out with a flare`. Unfortunately, there had been no end-of-year feast that year, largely because of the Death Eaters. It had taken them monthss to do, going round and preparing every room in turn, and as far as they knew the spells were still waiting to be activated. The hospital, however, was much smaller and they now planned to set the spells in the six days that were left before Sirius and Remus went home.   
Despite James' misgivings, they started off on their present floor. The spells were relatively simple to set, just boring as it was the same words room after room;   
"_Setcant horrifica parti! _James, are you sure about this?"   
"Hey, I grew up speaking this language. Of course I'm sure!"   
"OK, because it sounds like a spell for a horrible party..."   
"Just trust me for once! Shall I set the randomiser, or will you?"   
"You do it."   
"_Varioso anit mi uo ma sep furnunculus grisandla wingardium corkulus gurinto resicando lumos aqueous transparoculus! _Phew, I hate that randomiser..."   
"Remus, Peter! You've done the other half?"   
"Yep. Without getting caught, I might add! Um... what are we actually saying?"   
"That's my business, I think... what can we do for the last half-hour?"   
"How about..." 

/\/\/\

For the last half-hour of their time the Marauders wreaked yet more havoc and mayhem upon poor, innocent doctors and nurses, though they went nowhere near a staffroom. They sneaked into the foretelling department and cast illusion spells on the crystal balls; they paid Snape a visit and spent a happy quarter of an hour terrifying him into believing it was Peeves who had set him up; and they actually heard several rumours that a poltergeist _had_ come to stay in St. Mungo's. As their major act of crime for the day, they sneaked into the Owlery and shut the exits before opening the door and terrifying the poor creatures. The only exit available to the poor owls (who currently had a large black dog snapping at them) was the door, and in a flurry of feathers they were out of the Owlery and into the main building, almost five hundred snowy owls flying in a blind panic through the hallways and wards while the staff were all trying to clean dungbomb contents and Doctor Filibuster's No-Wash-Out Hair Gunk from their bodies... 

A/n; OK, I know it's getting weird. Thanks to whoever suggested I bring Snape in =) PLEASE, people, I need ideas for the Marauder's pranks desperately! The Mega-Plan will be revealed on Night 7 (chapter 8)...   
OK, I now have enough reviews to do Nights 4 and 5, but after that I'm back waiting for 4 reviews...   
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   [1]: mailto:admiralalbia@russell1044.plus.com



	4. Night 3

Night 3 Marauders in Hospital   
By Admiral Albia 

A/n; Well, read the title. And the summary. Basically, the Marauders are going to be in hospital for a while... and they're driving Doctor Lily wild! Any ideas for their pranks (seven nights, seven pranks), please [send `em in][1]!   
Disclaimer; I do not own Harry Potter etc, they belong to J.K. Rowling. (sarcastic voice; "No!") Don't mind the portrait, he's just bored... 

Incidentally, someone said the Weasley twins invented fake wands... but Bagman said he `hadn't seen one that convincing in years`... it's the little things =) And hey, I know I'm picking holes in reviews...

Night 3   
"Peter, are you _sure_ this is the right box?"   
"Yes!"   
"Absolutely positive?"   
"_Yes!_"   
"Just checking..."   
"Uh... guys? I know I'm being a teacher here, but we don't want to use this anywhere people might get hurt. E.g; We do not use this if there's a possibility of us putting off a member of staff who is performing an operation, OK?"   
"Understood. But it would _definitely_ put people off, it's not every day your colleagues turn into -" there was a rustle of paper "- a pink elephant, a purple seal, a pepper-pot - _what?_ - or a frog..."   
"That's all of them?" Sirius sounded disappointed.   
"No, that's just the ones I know for certain we'll get."   
"Right..." 

/\/\/\

"Hey, what's this one?"   
"What's the picture inside?"   
"Erm... some kind of turnip with legs..."   
"A turnip with legs? Hmm. Save it for Snape..." 

/\/\/\

Zonko's Amazing Transfiguration Badges were incredibly simple to use; you just slapped them onto the victim then prodded them with your wand. One by one, staff and patients became large carrots, elephants, pigs or - in the case of Snape - a turnip with legs. A very _warty_ turnip with legs.   
Disaster struck, however, when they reached the end of the corridor. After gently placing a Badge on the back of Abidora Frinpot, the Ministress for Magic, they heard a very familiar voice cry out, "_Accio _Cloak!" and turned round to see Lily advancing on them, still bright red from where James had turned her into a giant heart with arms and legs.   
"Uh... hi, Lily," James said, going red himself.   
"Ah, so _that's _how you've been getting around," she responded, eyes following the levitation beam from Sirius' wand. "Do you lot have _no_ scruples?"   
"Nup!"   
"Sirius, that wasn't the answer I was looking for. Incidentally, why is Snape a giant turnip with legs?"   
"We thought it'd suit him."   
"You're right, actually, it does... but that's not the point! You could have got someone hurt!"   
"What, with Teacher Remus here? No chance." Remus swung a punch at James.   
"And he's more attractive as a turnip, Lily, you have to admit," Sirius added, moving to screen James as his friend poked the Badge on Frinpot's back. There was a small, silent implosion and she turned into a large blue teddy bear.   
"Right! That does it, I'm keeping this until James comes out!" Lily screamed, finally snapping. "Now GO BACK TO BED!" 

/\/\/\

"Well, that's a bugger," Remus sighed as he dropped Peter back on the bed.   
"A broken hallelujah if ever I saw one," James agreed. "She'll have taken it home, too. Darn."   
"So? We don't need it again tonight. I'll go and get it tomorrow."   
"Sirius, Lily isn't stupid. She'll have hidden it."   
"Uh-uh. She _won't_ have hidden it because she knowqs that the first thing you'll do when you get home will be to take it back, and I'm betting that she's tidied up the house. Therefore, if she hides it you'll turn the whole house upside down to find it..."   
"Actually, I wouldn't. _I'd_ use a Summoning Charm..."   
"...or, you could use a Summoning Charm. But then what's the point in hiding it?"   
"You two are so thick sometimes," Remus said calmly, turning to the next page in his book.   
"What? What do you mean?"   
"Well, she's human right now, isn't she? It's all hands on deck to de-Transfigure everyone out there right now; King Chaos reigns. If she's got it, it'll either be in her hand, in her office or in the staffroom, _duh_." There was a pause while the other three digested this. Then;   
"Moony, you are brilliant!"   
"Sirius, I'm a teacher. It's this thing called logic..."   
"So, what shall we do?"   
"Try and get hold of it tomorrow, when everything's calmed down a bit and James and Peter can walk."   
"We'll be able to walk tomorrow?"   
"Yeah, I listened in on the conversation she was having before we turned her into a giant heart... werewolf ears, remember? Speaking of which, somebody's coming so we'd better go to sleep... 

Hmm... a Marauder without an Invisibility Cloak in a Marauder in trouble, t'would seem!   
One review `til I write (and post) Chapter Five, and another four until Chapter Six... this is largely because I need feedback otherwise I get worried that nobody likes and stop writing it...   
Flames will be used to light the fire.   
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   [1]: mailto:admiralalbia@russell1044.plus.com



	5. Night 4

Night 4 Marauders in Hospital   
By Admiral Albia 

A/n; Well, read the title. And the summary. Basically, the Marauders are going to be in hospital for a while... and they're driving Doctor Lily wild! Any ideas for their pranks (seven nights, seven pranks), please [send `em in][1]!   
Disclaimer; I do not own Harry Potter etc., they belong to J.K. Rowling. (sarcastic voice; "Oh my _God!_") Don't mind the portrait, he's just bored...

Night 4   
"Waah! Hey, you said I'd be able to _walk_, not fall over!"   
"James, dear, how long have you been in bed now?"   
"Uh... three and a half days..."   
"Exactly. You'll improve. While I have my suspicions about saying this to a Marauder, try to walk about. Exercise your legs. But DON'T LEAVE THIS ROOM! Understand?"   
"Hmm... yes, I do believe I get the gist of what you're saying..."   
"Good..."   
"What about a large stag? Would you let a large stag wander about?"   
"James, you failed human Transfiguration. I _saw_ your results. Don't even consider it, or you'll be in bed again." And Lily left the room. James snorted.   
"That's all she knows." He began to switch shapes so fast there was only just time to see that he had changed, before finally settling on human again. "As a matter of fact, I failed it on purpose because Face-Ache was getting suspicious..."   
"You did all right in your N.E.W.Ts though, didn't you?"   
"Exactly... I got stuck on Summoning Charms, though. Odd, that." 

/\/\/\

"Gillyweed?"   
"Check."   
"Swimming trunks?"   
"Check."   
"Air bubble spell?"   
"Check."   
"Water balloons?"   
"Check..." 

/\/\/\

Getting around was harder without the Invisibility Cloak, which all of the Marauders' combined charm hadn't been able to get back from Lily. Eventually, though, it was decided that Remus just had a lot of pets; something which, unfortunately, wasn't going to work on one witch.   
"So, Remus. You have Gillyweed in one pocket and you're wearing swimming trunks. You have a dog, a stag and a rat on the bed, you're supposed to be responsible yet all the others have disappeared, and this dog is actually near you, but you've said yourself they hate werewolves." The dog suddenly moved to the other end of the room and raised its' hackles. "Good Lord, and it understands human speech. There's something funny going on here..."   
"How's Snape?"   
"Oh... we decided to leave him as a turnip for a while... he wouldn't shut up as a human... oh, shit, another unicorn stab... why can't they let the women do those jobs?"   
As soon as Lily Disapparated, the Marauders came back with huge grins. "It worked! She now thinks we've vanished! Woohoo!"   
"Yeah, so let's get cracking!"   
The first thing to do was to give every person in the hospital their own personal air bubble, which was not very hard to do. All hey did was to throw the pellets into the air and activate them; they'd do the rest themselves. And from there, it was water fights all the way.   
"Hah! Got you that time!"   
"You think so? Well, Moony, take a _bath_!"   
"AAAARRRGH! Noooooo!"   
*splash*   
*splutter* "I'll get you for that, Peter Pettigrew!"   
*splash*   
"Missed!"   
"Miss _this_!" Sirius chucked a water balloon into the air, enlarged it to ten times it's original size, then watched with some satisfaction as it smacked into Peter, just seconds before the one James had lobbed at him hit.   
"Oh, you... you... cop this!"   
"You call that an Engorgement Charm? _This_ is an Engorgement Charm!" A tidal wave rolled over Sirius and exploded, showering everyone with water and a sudden desire to throw their water balloons at James. Pretty soon the water was up to their ankles, then their waists, then their shoulders, and finally there was no air in the room at all and their bubble charms had activated. All this time, of course, the door had been open, so the rest of the floor was the same... a huge tidal wave was rolling down the stairs and heading upwards too, for some reason.   
And still the Marauders continued their water fight, until they were out of water balloons and Lily was floating in the doorway glaring at them.   
"I suppose you think this is funny, do you?"   
"Funny, this? No way! Fun, yes, but not funny..." James suddenly found another water balloon and hurled it at his wife. She ducked. "Oh, _Lily..._"   
"What are you _doing?_" Sirius asked incredulously as she swam over to the window.   
"Opening the window. Letting some of this water... out..." Even though the window was open, the water stayed in the room. "What have you _done_ to it?"   
"Oh, it's very simple, Lily," Remus said, grinning, "It's a Barrier Charm. All in one... we can switch them all off at once, but only for a price. Otherwise, you get to go around taking the same charm off every window in the building individually."   
"And the price is...?"   
"You know what the price is..."   
"Oh, very well!" Lily fished in her sleeve and produced the Cloak. "_Now_ will you let the water out?"   
"Sure! _Oniharu_!" The building was suddenly full of the sound of rushing water. James took the Cloak back and Lily headed out of the room.   
"It's creased! She's creased it! The very woman who's always lecturing _me_ about creasing my clothes! I don't believe this... and it's wet!"   
"_Everything's_ wet."   
"I know! I'm just trying to blame her..."   
"We'd better do a Dryout Charm on these beds, we'll never get to sleep otherwise..."   
"_And_ my name's washed out of the inside, look!"   
"James, you wrote your name in invisible ink on that thing. How do you _know_?"   
"Because I can't see it!" 

A/n; Well, thanks very much indeed to the person who suggested they flood the hospital, and also to all my wonderful reviewers out there *waves*. I actually have enough reviews to do Chapter Six, but it's 7 a.m. so I'll do it later...   
Pleeeease say you still like it... 

   [1]: mailto:admiralalbia@russell1044.plus.com



	6. Night 5

Night 5 Marauders in Hospital   
By Admiral Albia 

A/n; Well, read the title. And the summary. Basically, the Marauders are going to be in hospital for a while... and they're driving Doctor Lily wild! Any ideas for their pranks (seven nights, seven pranks), please [send `em in][1]!   
Disclaimer; I do not own Harry Potter etc., they belong to J.K. Rowling. (sarcastic voice; "Well I _never!_") Don't mind the portrait, he's just bored... 

Night 5   
"I am not going to fall into the toilet this time, I am not going to fall into the toilet this time, I am _not _going to fall into the toilet this time..."   
"That's the spirit, James!"   
"What are we going to do tonight?" Peter asked as they waited for James to come out of the lavatory.   
"How about staying in?" Remus suggested. They stared at him.   
"Well, I'm _sorry_, but the moon's waxing and I'm getting stroppy and I'd like to get out of here before I get forced out..."   
"But we barely get in an hour and a half a night!"   
"A hour and a half's more sleep though." There was a splash from the bathroom, followed by a splutter, and a rude word.   
"He fell into the toilet," Sirius said, a smirk beginning to creep across his face.   
"I did _not!_"   
"You did!" Everyone yelled.   
"Can you be quiet please... where's James?" Lily had stuck her head round the door.   
"In there with his head down the loo."   
"What?...oh."   
"So, what _can_ we do tonight?" Peter repeated, once Lily had rescued James from a very embarassing drowning act and gone off again.   
"What do we have?" Sirius pulled out the Happy Little Sailor, the bag which the Marauders kept their tricks in. It was so called largely because it had a smiling sailor on the sides.   
"Let's see... Filibuster's Wet-Start Fireworks; Zonko's nose-biting teacups; a couple of fake wands; a plastic spider; a whoopee cushion; no, make that two whoopee cushions; a clown's flower; some fake biscuits and a box of invisible chalk. And some Dungbombs... couple of Badges from two nights ago...flour bombs; oooh, stink bombs! Some bunny potion; some invisibility potion; that extra-strong love potion we made in fourth year; two hankies and a bunch of trick Quidditch balls, plus one set of real Bludgers and a real Snitch. _A/n; Yes, that bag _is_ magic..._>   
"Anything else?"   
"Well, we have the Cloak and we have our wands..."   
"And I have an idea," Remus said. "Come here..." 

/\/\/\

"Yeah, that could work!"   
"You never know till you try..." 

/\/\/\

"Wait a second... which one's which again?"   
"The bunny potion's pink, the love potion's red, and the invisibility potion's invisible."   
"So which one's blue?"   
"That's the water, Peter, it's in a blue bottle." 

/\/\/\

"So, this is the staffroom."   
"Yeah; and there's the teacups..." 

/\/\/\

Aside from a stupid name, Margherita Ginslin was a perfectly normal witch. Like everyone else, she had been puzzled by the happenings over the last few days, especially at the point when she'd become a large pink seal. It just so happened that she wanted a cup of tea just as the Marauders finished setting up their latest dastardly plot.   
First, the teacup bit her nose. She magicked a new one and also magicked the tea, but just as she put it down a bag of flour landed on her head. She looked up just in time to see what looked suspiciously like a Dungbomb hovering, and spent a while trying to persuade a `poltergeist` (who was actually a wizard on the floor using his wand to levitate the thing) not to drop it... suddenly the Dungbomb floated gently to the ground and vanished. Sighing, Margherita drank her tea...   
...and turned into a large, pink, very fluffy bunny rabbit.   
The Marauders repeated the trick on anyone who came into the staffroom, sending some of them into bunnydom, some into mad fits of passion, and some into the land of the invisible. The potions weren't permanent, but it was still fun to see and funnier to watch as the people looked up, puzzled, and concentrated so hard on Remus' floating Dungbomb that they failed to notice a hand slipping out from under the Cloak and gently dropping the potions into their drinks.   
"OK... time for plan B," Sirius muttered when five people at once entered the room. "Pass the water, Wormtail..."   
...and _these_ peole were treated to a Dr. Filibuster's No-Heat, Wet-Start Fireworks display while, behind them, wands were switched and Badges were placed... as the smallest of the Marauders in animal form, Peter was the one who got to grab the real wands, put down fake ones and drag the real wands into a drawer before creeping up behind them and prodding the Badges with his wand. 

/\/\/\

"Well, that went quite well, really," Sirius said once the Marauders were in bed and visible.   
"Yep. Oh, the looks on those people's faces when they saw the Dungbomb..."   
"Where did you hide the wands, Peter?"   
"Oh... in a drawer. Not too hard to find."   
"For a human or a floating orange donkey?"   
"A human..." The Marauders collapsed into laughter again. 

/\/\/  
A/n; OK, I know that one was crappy. Or at least I think it was. I'm really running out of ideas here... I only need one more, but that's one more too many... PLEEEEEASE give me ideas and reviews!   
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   [1]: mailto:admiralalbia@russell1044.plus.com



	7. Night 6 - The Mega-Plan

Night 6 Marauders in Hospital   
By Admiral Albia 

A/n; Well, read the title. And the summary. Basically, the Marauders are going to be in hospital for a while... and they're driving Doctor Lily wild!   
Disclaimer; I do not own Harry Potter etc., they belong to J.K. Rowling. (sarcastic voice; "I'd _never_ have guessed!") Don't mind the portrait, he's just bored... 

This is the last chapter; I was going to do one more but I ran out of ideas. Anyhoo, the Mega-Plan will tonight be revealed...

Night 6   
"My last night tonight," Sirius said cheerfully as he forced the window open another inch. Peter shivered.   
"Oh, Sirius, it's _freezing_ in here! Can't you close the window, just for tonight?"   
"No. Sorry, Peter, but I cannot sleep without the window open. You know that..." Peter nodded miserably. In the depths of winter, even when the snow was piled right up to the second floor windows of Hogwarts, even when a gale was blowing and threatening to knock the beds over; no matter what the weather, Sirius insisted on leaving the window open. It had made for many an icicled nose or frosted tongue in the mornings, but he simply would not be moved. And when the moon was swollen, Remus always backed him, too. Between them, they were the reason why that particular class got so many colds in the winter months. What was _really_ unfair was that neither Sirius nor Remus had ever suffered a cold in their lives...   
"Mega-Plan night, then?" James suggested to break up the argument which was sure to start at any second.   
"Well, you can't do it without me, can you?"   
"No, that's true. Right, it's been keyed to everyone but our... unwilling aide. Wands together, everyone..." The Marauders pulled out their wands and pointed them towards the ceiling, tips touching.   
"On three. One. Two-"   
"Um..."   
"Yes, Peter?"   
"What's the spell again?" Sirius groaned.   
"I thought we'd _been _through this..."   
"It's not _morsmordre_, is it? Because-"   
"No, it's not. Close, though. It's _morsmarauder_, because _mors_ tells the wand it's a sign and marauder is what we are. So we put our signs up and activate the spell at the same time, OK? Now. One. Two. Three-"   
"_Morsmarauder!_" 

/\/\/\

It was just as well that St. Mungo's Hospital was covered in Muggle-repelling charms, because what happened next would have made the headlines big time. For a second, the large pink cloud of smoke copied the mushroom shape of a nuclear bomb; then it expanded at the top and folded over the hospital in a dome, before vanishing completely. Inside the hospital, streamers and party poppers exploded from the walls; paper chains with various strange shapes on them suddenly appeared; and a large papier-mache sculpture of the Easter Bunny driving Santa's sleigh while Rudolph ate all the Easter eggs appeared in the lobby, to the great amusement of the children.   
People were affected, too; nose hair suddenly grew into corkscrew curls, clown wigs and red noses appeared; people's outfits were magically changed and some of them levitated. Other, more fortunate people suddenly found themselves blue with orange spots or worse. And the wonderful thing was, _every single person was different._ No two people were exactly the same; a woman who was desperately trying to remember which of her identical twins was which suddenly realised how much easier it was when they _weren't_ identical. The Marauders themselves had been transplanted into clown suits and wigs and had all suddenly turned purple.   
"Five, four, three, two, one - ah, hello, Lily," James said, turning round as his beloved wife came tearing into the room wearing a bikini, a sombrero and a frown to match. "Nice skin colour; goes well with your hair." Lily's skin was now bright pink with small blue blotches in places.   
"What did you _do?_" She demanded.   
"Nothing!"   
"Yeah, we didn't do this!"   
"Why is it that as soon as something completely ridiculous happens, you automatically assume we're behind it?"   
"Yeah, that's patient harassment!!" Lily blinked.   
"It wasn't you?"   
"No!"   
"Then who was it?"   
"This kind of spell's easy enough to key away from yourself," James offered. "Look for whoever _isn't_ sky-blue-pink with yellow spots and you'll have found the person..."   
"Then check his or her wand," Sirius offered. "It'll still have the spell stored, unless they've used it again since..." 

/\/\/\

"Ah, there you are! What on earth is going on?"   
"Snape! You're not... give me your wand."   
"What? Why?"   
"Do you want those gashes healed or not? _Give me your wand._" Sulkily, Snape handed it over.   
"Hmm... _prior incantato!_" Out of the wand issued four symbols; a wolf howling against a moon, a wriggly line, a dog's paw and a curved `v` shape. "Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs," Lily murmured. "You know, framing people _really_ isn't very nice, Snape."   
"What? I..."   
"You didn't do it?" She waved his wand, causing small blue sparks to shoot out of the end. "The evidence is right here... _deletrius!_"   
"Huh? I never cast that spell..."   
"So why is it in your wand, you stupid man?"   
"I don't know!" 

/\/\/\

Snape would have been _very _interested indeed to know that in the Marauder's room, four wands were all displaying the shadowy remains of the same spell; the spell that had been used to plant the Mega-Plan charms into Snape's wand. It was complex and almost impossible to do, but they'd done it and were really feeling quite proud of themselves... 

/\/\/\

"I'm telling you, you... woman, _I did not do this! _Are you deaf?"   
"No, but I'm not blind either. The last thing your wand did was to activate these spells!"   
"The last thing I did with my wand was to use it to read by once the lights had gone out!"   
"Are you sure?"   
"Yes!"   
"Swear by Veritaserum?"   
"_Yes!_"   
"Right." Lily handed back the wand and marched off towards the Marauders' room, with a vague suspicion forming... 

/\/\/\

The first thing she noticed was how quiet it was in there; the second was that four pillows were gently bouncing around the room, occasionally banging into each other with soft _flump_ sounds. The third thing she noticed was that they'd all removed the spells...   
"Oh, bugger!"   
"Hm? Wha?" James asked just before Remus' pillow hit him on the head.   
"You've wiped the evidence... never mind, go back to sleep."   
"Haven't gone to sleep yet... who was it?"   
"Anyone who's capable of storing a spell in another person's wand... i.e. you four." The Marauders suddenly looked extremely innocent. "I thought so... just go to sleep, OK?" 

/\/\/\

"`Bye, Sirius!"   
"Yeah, bye!"   
"Have fun!"   
"Oh, I will... I'm going to have to groom the unicorn, feed the peacock, feed the phoenix, feed the owl, the chickens, the goat; milk the goat, groom the horses, feed the horses, feed the unicorn..."   
"You do that every day anyway."   
"Yeah, but not after a week-long break, I don't! See you all soon!" 

/\/\/\

"Hey, James!"   
"Wha? Lily, `s-" James looked blearily at the clock "-two am. I only got back from hospital yesterday..."   
"James, the baby's still alive!"   
"_What?!?_"   
"The baby's still alive! I got Marvin to check for me!"   
"Woohoo!"   
"Now, go back to sleep."   
"Can't..."   
"Why not?"   
"I'm too wide awake now..." 

/\/\/  
A/n; Well, that's the end. I hope you liked the last chapter... I had another two ideas while I was doing this one, so look out for either a story about the Werewolves' Magic Institute OR yet another `Sirius gets his name cleared` fic; only that one's going to have my _personal_ touches... where else do you get Remus on all fours with pointy ears and a human body?   
Hope you liked the story, though, and I hope that you all bother to read the next ones... I may go through a serious patch, but there are always some funny bits...   
REVIEW PLEASE... I HONESTLY AM INSECURE ABOUT MY WORK!   
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